Not By Halfs

I like to think of myself as fairly determined.

I build myself bandwagons, sturdy ones, and ride them until I fall off.

I have ideas, lots of them, and I let them simmer. They simmer a long time. Most of them spoil or disintegrate along the way, but the ones that don’t get to happen.

I can make no claim to how good any of these ideas ever was. In looking back over the stuff I did so far, I’m not very comfortable making value judgments.

What can be said is, the biggest and most memorable choices with furthest reaching consequences, those were not made by halfs. When I decided I was in, when I sketched the parameters, I was never in for a penny.

I move slowly. I liken my own progress and ability to change to that of a large ship changing course. It takes a while to adjust, and you better be sure the new coordinates are right, because fuck if you’re going to have much tweaking room. Or, rather, you have all the room in the world, provided you also have all the time in the world.

The exception to my “not by halfs” daydream is the way I treat writing.

“I’d like” to “try” being a writer.

“I’d like” to “try” maintaining a blog.

For the last several years, I have been too busy, too stressed to be writing (I’ve been busy fulfilling a course I first intentioned approximately 15 years ago). And I think, to be honest, it’s been detrimental. There is something about this current version of my life that does not feel authentic. There is something about the way I’m conducting myself that feels obligatory, like I “have” to do all of these work-related tasks (and I do — not because any boss is breathing down my neck, but because I’ve never been comfortable with slacking off, doing less, or winging it.. thanks perfectionism), which leave so little energy and time to do or be much else.

 

All my life, I’ve been inquisitive. I don’t like to speak loudly and publicly about my opinions because I am too aware of how little I know, as compared to how much there is to know. This prevents me, usually, from feeling confident in speaking with any kind of authority on much of anything, other than my own bubble of experience. I don’t want to be called out or fact-checked or even aggressively questioned.

Don’t get me wrong. I like questions, in a discussion format. I don’t like being put in a position to defend myself. I also don’t like making others feel threatened or defensive.

In recent years, however, I’ve become more and more amazed at how loudly people are willing to proclaim opinions, especially on social media, with such boldness, sometimes arrogance, and sometimes with so little understanding.

So I suppose this is my disclaimer and my caveat. My opinions are going to be ignorant, because there is too much to know, and I am still a pretty ignorant and childish person, blinded by my own experience and lack thereof. Even having this disclaimer is pretty self-important.

But I’m going to write again, because I don’t have all the time in the world, and lately I’ve been thinking…

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